In 2021, I took a foster care training class that opened my eyes to what loving when it’s hard looks like. Here are my notes—the stuff that hit home, not the official course material.
The family unit is the treatment center. Relationships are the vehicle for healing. They come before the individuals, schedules, and appearances. A felt safety is the foundation for everything. To build trust, you have to be honest about your emotions. To be a healer, you must give up on what people think of you and your family.
The brains of hurt kids have heavy-duty connections between people and unpredictability. They are wired for fear. They are looking at your face to see if they’re safe. Never tell them they’re safe if they’re not. Avoid using dismissive labels like “sensitive” to describe them.
A child loses the ability to relax and connect when a parent disrupts attachment through abandonment, abuse, or neglect. They will struggle with relating and self-esteem. They learn that their needs aren’t important, so they also learn to believe that no one else’s needs are important.
Avoidant kids don’t know their emotions, and they don’t ask for help. Arrange the house so they can meet some of their needs without asking. Help them identify their feelings and needs, but don’t be a bulldog. Don’t rip off masks to solve your anxiety. Pay close attention to them because they may ask for help so quietly that you miss it and reinforce their avoidance.
The anxious-avoidant kid wants to be close, but the fear is so intense that being close hurts. They repeat their need often. Anchor them by validating the need and letting them know you intend to meet it. Do this every time they express the need. Avoid sarcasm. Be consistent, calm, and predictable. If they misbehave, they need “time in” the family, never “time out.” Don’t punish with the relationship.
Attachment is, at its core, dependent on experience. It is a skill people can develop through relationships where they are seen, soothed, safe, and secure. Show kids how to acknowledge the needs of others. Help them assume responsibility.
Create emotional space for their love of an abusive parent or person. Understand that they’ve learned to overvalue people who are emotionally distant and unkind to them. Holding on to unhealthy relationships is one of the effects of grief. Validate the loss and the grief. Honor their connections. Be a couple of steps ahead of a marker date of significant loss.
Kids with trauma have overdeveloped flight, fight, and freeze responses that they overuse. Survival skills, however flawed, are what kept them alive. They trigger for drama because that’s what they’re used to. They treat minor challenges as significant threats. There is no thought of consequences. They are pure reactivity.
Remember that the child is not the problem. The problem is the problem – the addiction, abandonment, and abuse in their history.
Behaviors are communications. Don’t judge any behavior you see before asking yourself what’s hurting this kid. Imagine yourself having lost everything you know and love. If you don’t meet the need the behavior is communicating, they’ll start a new behavior and you’ll be behavior-chasing indefinitely. When reactions are bigger than the event, suspect grief first. Children grieve behaviorally. They act out the loss. They will grieve in spurts that are not linear. It will come back at crucial transition times in adulthood.
Kids who have PTSD will react in the present as if they are in the past. The behavior will be primitive and aggressive. A triggered child can’t do what you expect until they calm down. And, if you are unregulated, they will not care what you say. Under no circumstances should you use reason before you regulate and relate. Calming down is just as contagious as alarmism. Everybody gets to tag out when they need to. Shelf it.
When you speak to kids, you are forming their identity. Shame destroys things. Do everything you can to protect their sense of self. Always be at or below eye level. Use I statements. It’s connecting, not criticizing, that corrects behavior. Traditional discipline won’t work without trust and attachment because it operates under power and control. Kids who have nothing left to lose don’t respond to it.
Too much nurturing and closeness are uncomfortable for kids with histories of neglect. You will need a high tolerance for rejection. Learn to wait. Let them come to you. Get parallel and allow them to choose the level of intimacy. Sit with them. Show respect when they let you pass their intimacy barrier and never take advantage of it. Resist the urge to use too many words. Just repeat what they say.
When you miss the mark, as you will, have self-compassion and don’t get stuck in shame. Model the behavior you want. Come back. Check on them. Repair it. Listen to what is inside them. Intimacy happens when we share our authentic selves.
Children learn best by doing, not talking. Activities that use two senses are good for relationships. Parallel activities are the best – walking, driving, making art, etc. If they don’t want to talk about something, respect the boundary.
Kids need love and a voice. Don’t aim to be their savior; instead, be their refuge in the storm. Breathe hope into them. Redefine closeness to mean safety, belonging, and acceptance.
Being loved by a child, despite their emotional struggles, means everything. No one will ever love you quite like a child you didn’t expect could. Building these relationships is the only way to experience this profound connection.
Finally, do these things for every family member, young or old.
Quote:
“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable. All these and other factors combined, if the circumstances are right, can teach and can lead to rebirth.”
Song Accompaniment: Adele – Make You Feel My Love
Artwork: The Art of Seth
2024 Accompaniments Playlist – Apple Music
2024 Accompaniments Playlist – Spotify
Resources:
Dr. Jacob Ham: drjacobham.com
Dr. Bruce Perry: bdperry.com
Read next:
The Fear Of Success: How To Overcome Self-Sabotage